Es kostet mich keine kleine Krise die Verunreinigung und das Suechtige aus meinem Leben auszuschliessen

"_componer musica en un estado de extasis"



"eh," he said, cigarette dangling precariously from those thin lips, his head shaking in that almost nervous tick of a manner, "i don't know, those pretty things, beautiful women," which was almost spat out and i recoiled with distaste immediately, knowing at once what he was talking about. Diamonds Of The Human Race. "girls who have been told their whole lives that they are beautiful. that's why i like to get 'em while they're young. cause it ruins them." i was nodding with a sullen grace at that point and he stubbed out his cigarette with a sigh. this one was a gonner and he was 'round the table, headin' inside for another cup of poison and i released my own stream of death. "it's worse than bein' told you're ugly, you know? it just kills them, just ruins 'em. that's why it's better to be middle of the road plain--!" his arm swept a broad streak as he pulled open the door and we shared a smirk - another road we both traversed secretly and were now familiar with the bump into each other in the fits of emotional upheavals we'd unload to each other between passings.

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[i'm recycling some things for everyone's own good today.]

{{{{{{{i dream of chilly autumn afternoons where petere ::ever since i was young his name had an extra e at the end:: will share a joint a cigarette a coffee and some writings on rocking chairs on the porch of a house whose owner we will not know but our writings will have garnered us the ability to borrow one's porch for a toke and a scan over words and we'll carry red pens and leather bound journals and we'll fix some grammatical errors (none too grievous) before pushing out our lower lips in thought, nodding, and heading on our ways - he to create and i to ease my way with a slide of a hip back in to this realm of groove}}}}}}}

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I wanted to write on a giant posterboard that you’re amazing, today, while I was perfect. I wanted to draw it out in pink lipstick and add orange glitter and tie on some mix CDs and I wanted to ship it to you or give it to you or hang it on your door and then demand tea time or cigarette time or just some kind words. I wanted to make you smile and laugh and I wanted to make sure you’re okay because sometimes even though you tell me you are I don’t believe you, but pestering people is not perfect. Today, in my perfect phase, I wanted to find you and feel awkward and smile and apologize for being stupid but I felt that wasn’t necessary so I forgot about you for the rest of the day and it was hard and toward the end I felt guilty and wanted to go back to Purgatory. I didn’t feel comfortable in my clothes or in my kitchen and I wanted to know if you were sighing about me and if I should worry because that’s all I do these days is worry more and more because time, peoples, dates are all coming to a head and this explosion is impending and it’s doom hovering over my head and it’s a warm hand and it’s cold nights.

I stood on the roof at sunset and lit cigarettes, flicking them away after I got one good drag. I watched as the cigarette hit concrete and erupted into sparks and ash and it was all done and over with after second so I’d throw another one. I wanted to be the spark that faded last.



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lets lighten the mood up a bit!!! except i kinda feel like i have no funny now cause i have last night's comedy show still bouncing around in my head. anyone who is willing to go on stage, bare themselves to an audience and try and get them to laugh by dropping so low as to make fun of themselves or even worse, make fun of the crowd before them? oh man... i totally could not even attempt it. so cheers to you, funny people, keep on being overtly sarcastic in everyday conversations or loud and obnoxious in the line to the bathroom at the five star restaurant where no one wants to hear you practice your joke on your border control and how it relates to kenny g's great hit; How Could An Angel Break My Heart?
actually, fuck that, if someone could draw a connection or make a joke with that i'd love to hear it while waiting in line for anything.

once again: THE SICKNESS HAS STARTED TO AFFECT MY COHERENCE BEYOND EVERYDAY CONVERSATION.

_{enola lla
enola ereht srednaw ehs
srodirroc nwod srood terces hgourht
seog ehs erehw rednow d'uoy
gnirednaw tnew dnim s'ailehpO}