by now you shoulda somehow realized what you gotta do

he's angry because hendrix is still written in cheap gold lipstick over my desk - and behind my mirror is a quote from that one movie You never wanted to watch with me anyways. i'd wash them off but i could just as easily tape up the old photos of Me In My Better Days and wait until it's time to strip this cage down threadbare when i'm done and gone (good riddance!) and they are left picking up the pieces of a layered creature with too many places she liked to hide her memories. so, until then i've got guitar strings plick-pluck-plucking their way into all my neighbor's hearts as they start up their days, the wind is blowing a steady rising pace and the weatherman with a stutter and lazy eye keeps repeating "buh,buh,buh--BLUSTERY!" shouting it at the end as if he's reached this great finale of something and it is such a triumphant moment that we, the lonely A.M. viewers, should jolt up in excitement each time and perhaps even gain a speech impediment and stutter along! nothing says camaraderie like a good holler at the television before puttering off to work or fixing your last cup of coffee.

obviously this consistent coughing is going to my head.

you hate me, don't you? i'd tell you, tell everyone actually that i don't care but i'm sick of lying to myself and retracing my steps to prevent anyone from catching on. this time i'm terrified of what will be thought about me, how people will take a situation they know nothing about. outsiders in this case are nothing more than another obstacle that i'm willing to kick down - but this would be more of an angry round house to the chest. petty accusations and hiding behind poorly crafted stories is all tons of fun and about the most mature thing to do, but it's getting old already. the truth that i've ripped from my heart is that i'm working hard to please everyone in this situation and the more people on the brink of it all that get involved the harder i have to race to put everything back into place before it all falls apart again.


^{i wish i could explain happiness. i wish i could take bits and pieces of scenarios and string them all together with flashy neon lights and giant explosions to draw everyone's attention to it. then, while everyone numbly gazes i'd be able to push those moments out o to them all and there'd be no option except to take in what i was offering. then maybe you'd understand more, then maybe you'd start to learn the truth instead of what's been passed around so carelessly. if there was an easy way to prove stability and this bizarrely unbalanced tranquility (for the record we're at two) and attempted love i'd use it. i'd slip out the back door and give up on trying to explain myself because i feel like that's all i ever do anymore, and that it's too selfish for me. spin webs of words and honesty and hope someone reads enough into it to get what this woman who still calls herself a girl and still holds hands while crossing the road is actually like. there's a difference between judging and taking the time to learn and i feel like it's easier to take the first road because putting effort into finding your way into someone's mind is exhausting. but passing thoughts on someone you know nothing about is cowardly. i've done it, too, it's actually rather common, you know. there's still a bitter taste in my mouth from learning as much as i have about everything in the past months and i say that as lightly as i can. really i just look forward to the very fun new thing people just started doing called: living.}
_{by the way, i didn't listen to whatever message it was you left and i didn't chose to confront that topic here i just figured the smaller the confession the lesser guilt.}

this post needed something besides mass chunks of text. so you get awesome. and NIN without trent reznor's voice.

nine inch nails - a warm place